Friday, April 4, 2008

Meet Russ: MacBachelor Of The Week

Each week, our reporters scour Apple Stores across the country in search of the most eligible MacBachelors. This week, we present Russ, found on a Genius Barstool in the Chestnut Hill Mall (Chestnut Hill, MA). Just check out his specs:

Status: Single and totally available
Hardware: Great biceps, sculpted forearms
Software: Slight tummy roll
Periperals & Accessories: Black rimmed glasses, Toyota Prius
Results of Virus Scan: Clean as a whistle

As always, please feel free to leave a comment to let our MacBachelor Of The Week know why you think you are his match.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Apple Eugenics: Has Steve Jobs Gone Too Far?

Is Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs really trying to create a better world by inserting Macintosh code into the human gene pool? The jury is still out, but all signs are leading to one inescapable conclusion.

The first genetically modified iBaby showed up last year, bearing a distinctive apple-shaped birthmark. Since then, more than a hundred babies bearing a similar Macintosh logo have been sighted at hospital maternity wards, the majority in Silicon Valley. "It's unclear at this point if Jobs is trying to create a superior race or simply trying to produce out-of-the-womb brand-loyal consumers," said Murray Horowitz, head of the Vassar Institute of Anthropology, Human Heredity, and Eugenics. "We're going to be keeping a close eye on this one."

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

What To Wear: Dos And Don'ts For Apple Store Dating Fashion

Hoping to score a date on your next trip to the Apple Store? It's all in the visuals. Apple Store dating fashion is memorable but not goofy, sensual but not sleazy, trendy but not logo-obsessed.

As a rule, men should opt for traditional Apple garb -- black turtleneck, jeans, and sneakers. A three-day stubble completes the look (hey, if it works for Steve, it can work for you, too). Steve's Outfit is a great one-stop source for purchasing an authentic-looking version of the full ensemble.

Women channeling the style of Audrey Hepburn meets Abercrombie & Fitch can't go wrong. Pressed for time, ladies? Just stuffing an iPod nano into a push-up bikini top also can do wonders for your Apple Store dating success.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Rating The Apple Stores (Part I)

Ever wonder which Apple Stores offer the best prospects for dating? According to our latest reader survey, that all depends on what you’re looking for. Ambience and clientage play a major role, of course, but a few Apple Stores benefit from simple geography.

In our double-blind survey, we asked more than 1000 avid Macintosh users to rate dateability at four major Apple Stores. Here are a few highlights from the results:

University Village (Seattle) Apple Store
The Vibe: Homoerotic
Hottie Index: 6 stars
Closest Source of Alcohol: One floor up
Promxity to Top Modeling Agency: 175.8 miles

Soho (NYC) Apple Store
The Vibe: Uber trendy
Hottie Index: 10 stars
Closest Source of Alcohol: Right next door
Proximity to Top Modeling Agency: 2 blocks

Stonestown (San Francisco) Apple Store
The Vibe: Totally geeky
Hottie Index: Pi(R2+rR+r2)+ h/3
Closest Source of Alcohol: 3 blocks north
Proximity to Top Modeling Agency: 300 miles

Briarwood (Ann Arbor) Apple Store
The Vibe: A bit uptight
Hottie Index: 1 star
Closest Source of Alcohol: 20 miles
Proximity to Top Modeling Agency: 1200 miles

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Husband Cheating At Apple Store?

We encourage reader mail, and today would like to share this letter from Concerned In Connecticut:

Dear Kitty:

My husband, a long-time Dell user, lately has been spending most evenings and weekend afternoons at the Apple Store. He has given up golf and let his subscription to Penthouse Letters expire. He says he's just testing the iMacs and the new MacBook Air, but I'm concerned he may be having an affair at the Apple Store. Do you think I should be worried?

Concerned In Connecticut

Dear Concerned:

It's perfectly normal for Dell users to shop around when their applications get a little sluggish. However, I would definately suspect an extramarital affair if your husband can't get his browser up at home or complains that your screen is always frozen. In these cases, he may indeed be going to the Apple store to get his hard drive spinning.

Kitty Couric

Sunday, March 23, 2008

My Wedding At The Apple Store

Will the Apple Store host my wedding reception? Watch our You Tube video to find out..

Friday, March 21, 2008

Apple Computer To Open First Late Night Dance Club

As goes Steve Jobs, so goes Apple. Propelled by Jobs' new-found passion for dancing, Apple Computer reportedly is preparing to open its first after-hours club in downtown Manhattan. "With dating at the Apple Stores on the rise, Jobs wants to give single customers a Mac-friendly environment to dance, swap playlists, and trade iPhone numbers," says a company source. The club, slated to open in May, 2008, will feature a custom-built dance floor, wi-fi lounge, and a fully-stocked Genius Bar. Green apple martini, anyone?